Futile Entry

So I was just lying on the floor and my head was resting awkwardly on my arm...it was pretty uncomfortable...and I felt this tension in my neck, but I just kept lying there. So I thought, “Why don’t I just move?”. But I couldn’t. I don’t know why exactly. I liken it to that really comfortable feeling you have just before you drift off to sleep, when you don’t want to move for anything, but realize you have to when you get an itch on your foot. Only, in this case, I was really uncomfortable, yet didn’t want to move, but had to in order to write this blog entry. Which makes me wonder why I even wrote this to begin with. I think my brain’s itchy.

Idly,
BR80

"Heart Cooks Brain"

Oops. I should stop being so hasty with my affection. Even though I've found someone I feel I really connect with, I'll always have that rift of inexperience. It's too bad. I mean, you finally meet a girl you really like...something that's pure and unadulterated, like this untapped sensation you haven't felt since primary school...and you get ransacked with the reality that everybody's grown up around you. I have to face it, I'm very green. Some people are just really mature for their age, by which I mean, when it comes to having loads of past relationships...both weak and strong. I guess I never wanted something weak. I guess that's my problem. But I've always taken satisfaction in knowing that she's out there somewhere, and that she's been living her whole life just as I have: wondering where that one love is. Ya know? You know.

Zealously,
BR80

One, Two, Many...

I wish I didn’t change my mind so much on things...and on people.

I loved her for her mind, I loved her for her boldness.

I love her for her soul…for her humble meekness.

I thrived on her fierce opinion.

I revel in her sweet resilience.

I always admired her diehard persistence.

She always imparts her levity.

She used to ground me with gravity.

She stands before me.

She lies in my wake.

She’s here.

She’s gone.

Here by me, for a time.

Right of Way

I think I need to change. There are so many things in my life that I need to work out…mainly my priorities. I’ve been struggling with my faith...not in losing it, just in understanding it and in coping with my neglect towards it. I want to know myself better, I want to know what I believe, and when I know, I want to be able to find someone to love, someone who believes the same. I guess those are the prospects I desire and the pressing issues at hand. But getting back to that whole priorities thing…I need some higher ones. Everything I dream of wanting for my life is deeply flawed in that I’m only focusing on what I want for my life…I’m only thinking of what is best for me. Shouldn’t I be helping others? I should be thinking of solutions for meeting the needs and dreams of others. I know a blog’s purpose is to document a person’s own wants and thoughts…but I’m sick of thinking about what I need. I’m not saying that I’m a terrible and selfish person, but if I continue to indulge in my own priorities over God’s, I’m definitely on my way to becoming one.

BR80