A New Year's Anniversary

I have this plan…to present a symbol of our future to her…a symbol which embodies the nature of our unique relationship. January 1st marks the first day of a new year…and just as it marks this annual inauguration, it is my hope that someday it will also mark the beginning of our lives together as a coalition, under the banner of devotion and the prospect of marriage. We’ll fight the cold outside, we’ll stay inside…it’ll be necessary to do so with it being winter. I aspire to marry my love at the stroke of midnight New Year's Eve, at the zenith of all wintry darkness and snowfall. We’ll have to hide ourselves away from the world, and survive the night, removed from civilization…we wouldn’t find another soul for miles – like the last people on Earth – our own nuclear winter. Starting a new year…and a new life together, we’ll stay out of the cold and be with one another. And every year thence forward, on that day and that night – while the world celebrates the New Year – we’ll celebrate our unity and the ensuing year ahead…together.

Envisioning,
BR80

Keep Your Paint Dry!

Saaay, you know what we’re missing these days? Some decent catch phrases! Where’d they all go? The world certainly seems a darker place without those familiar and catchy slogans lighting the way. The only phrases I recall noticing in recent times are half-baked ones like Juicy Fruit’s “Sweeeeeeet” or McDonald’s “I’m Lovin' It”. Here’s to hoping for more “Do you feel lucky? Well…do ya, punk?!” and “They’re grrrrrreat” caliber catch phrases. “Keep your paint dry” was a catch phrase I thought of when I was younger; I don’t know what it means exactly…but I stumbled upon it recently…written in an old book I have. And I’d like to think that my writing ability has improved since then…but the change doesn’t seem all that significant. It’s actually been a year now since I started writing on Blogger…and I’ve blogged my brains out…and in the end…you kind of feel like you’ve accomplished something. There are times when I should be doing something else of some importance…maybe it’s homework…or maybe it’s work-work...but the fact is, I can’t get my mind around what I’m doing, until I write what I’m doing, and get my head around where I’m going…in doing any of these things in life. You get a real sense of satisfaction seeing what you think fill a void other than the inside of your skull; and if I can bleed out these ideas for years to come…I will be satisfied.

Catch ya on the flip side,
BR80

Jack-O-Banter

You know...it’s as though our eyes rest in the indentations made by thumbs, and our lips arc, seemingly carved by a finger’s edge; the nose and cheekbones in themselves represent the intrinsic characteristics of an artisan’s sculpting touch...with both form and symmetry. It’s easy to see how distinctly the contours of our face resemble the impressions our hands make in clay...it’s difficult to replicate those contours through carving a half decent jack-o-lantern. Anyhoo...I always take Halloween this seriously...and I don’t see it as a real problem...just more as quirky obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Black and Orange,
BR80

Contentment

I know you far more than you think,
But not as well as I know,
That I know nothing of harmony
Without you
Here with me.

BR80

Characteristics of...

True
Honest
Earnestly open
Luring
Optimistic
Natural
Endearingly enticing
Lonesome
Open
Vulnerable
Ever hopeful
Intrepid
'
Loyal
Law abiding
Exemplary
Virtuous
Exceptional
Rarest of the rare
Wanted
Anticipated
Needed
Totally essential
Outstanding
Radical dreamer
Nexus
Enthralling
Encompassing
Duly sought
...
Trusting
Humble
Exceedingly genuine
Obliging
Nurturing
Loving
Yieldingly tender
Original
Nostalgic
Everything but ordinary
.

Longitudinal,
B
R
8
0

Heed

"...you’re the only song I want to hear,
a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere"

Lessons Learned

I attempted to enact a plan for payback some time ago; and so with the aim of both brutish and reckless reparation, I tried my hand at vengeance. Yet, in retrospect of that aggravation and those lucid thoughts of vengeance, I can’t help but recall upon that one sobering moment…the knife snapping shut on my hand…the deep gash I still wish I had...my deep, dark, blood: teacher of a lesson in hatred and forgiveness. Scarred hands strike a chord in me…they always have a way of reminding us of our debauched achievements…our lessons learned.

Battle-damaged,
BR80

Blind Aficionado

I know that love doesn't happen as one might suspect it does…within a moment, perhaps when two eyes meet, as mind-blowingly instantaneous as a stick of lightning struck dynamite; I know it’s far trickier than that...and far less stupid sounding. Understanding the complexity of love dismantles the idea of falling into it; and I, for one, know that we’d definitely fall in just as quickly as we’d fall out if we were to believe in love as a simple cliché. And for some, love is a simple thing, and it’s for those folks that love becomes elusive…because that simple thing is actually an unsteady, ever-changing, mess. We can assume love is as simple as spotting a girl ya dig…yet in that assumption comes the true weakness of eye sight…since sight is a never ceasing ever-roaming periscope, forever skimming the surface of the world around us…merely seeking what lies on top…something that “looks nice”…but has no substance…no depth. “Seeing” is all we human’s have to depend upon, and I won’t belabor the fact…but what I will say is that there are some days when sight becomes overbearing…and for me, it becomes a constant misconception...one which brims at my every chance to see people for who they genuinely are; and thanks to that, I sometimes lose sight of what love is.

Apologetically,
BR80

I Gotta Know What's Goin' Down at Mr. Sub

I find no fault in those that practice principles other than mine; whether that means they choose a belief that will in turn hurt themselves is something I have no control over...a fact that sometimes kills me. My qualms lie in ulterior motives; I believe the actions of a person are entirely forgivable, but that their motives are a little more complicated to absolve. I’ll overlook your choices if you'll just let me know who you are…otherwise, I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. Anyhoo, now that I’ve spoken my mind...and sounded completely paranoid…goodnight.

Wary,
BR80

"I Will Follow You Into The Dark"

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son, fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause' we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

By: Death Cab For Cutie

The New Lyceum

If I were to create my perfect "Lyceum" it would consist of principles based upon:

Jesus Christ - Truth and Compassion
Aristotle - Wisdom and Logic
Da Vinci - Ingenuity and Creativity
Edison - Innovation and Practicality
Einstein - Knowledge and Understanding

Every student would experience and exhibit the above characteristics. We'd teach concepts of chivalry, honor, and all other knightly codes thought to be dead. They'd learn the value of faith and prayer, of God and country. They'd learn of the importance of helping others and of both unconditional and sacrificial love...ideals sorely lacking in a self-preserving world; and it's for these reasons that our students would be set apart from the world.

"The noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding."
-Leonardo da Vinci

The school building itself would be something rarely seen...it'd be school on location...in true “Peripatetic” method; if it couldn't be experienced it wouldn't be worth learning in my Lyceum. We'd be explorers of the world, of countries, cultures, and history...and after seeing all that's been created around us, we'd begin to know ourselves, and in turn, know God...a kind of wisdom that can't be taught. The three greatest characteristics we as humans posses are the ability to love, explore, and to create; and as creators, we use our God given minds to take what we have at our disposal and forge something new. And that's what learning should be; it should be about experiences, which leads to wisdom, and ultimately, the ability to become creators of new and revolutionary ideas that change the world.

Learn'ed,
BR80

Fallen Faultless

Crawl cruel winds and wake
Whisper long drain and flow
Willful winter in all without
Much rather loss than loosen

Chaste yet taint
With brail read hands
Though felt unseen
In rightful tread

Our sleepless day
The slightest drop
The utmost fall
I fell and fought

BR80

Psalm Ninety-One

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the almighty. This I declare of the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; He is my God, and I am trusting him. For He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from the fatal plague. He will shield you with His wings. He will shelter you with His feathers. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. But you will see it with your eyes; you will see how the wicked are punished.

If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your dwelling. For He orders his angels to protect you wherever you go. They hold you with their hands to keep you from striking your foot on a stone. You will trample down lions and poisonous snakes; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honor them. I will satisfy them with a long life and give them my salvation.”

Today was an important day for me, both in past remembrance of those I love, and in future revelation of what I’m to become. I attribute all meaning I’ve ever had in my life to the great works God has had in me; I only pray that I can repay Him through undying faith and unmovable loyalty.

Resolutely,
BR80

My Thirty-three Objectives

1. Fly, float, or levitate for at least 30sec
2. Watch the sun rise and set from the exact same spot
3. Blowup a replica dummy of myself
4. Pose in a Sears Catalogue
5. Have a philosophical discussion with a Lama (Tibetan Monk or animal...whichever)
6. High five Clint Eastwood
7. Get married at 12 O'clock Midnight, New Years Eve
8. "Ride the rails"
9. Solve at least one mystery ("Whodunits" included)
10. Write a book of poetry
11. Move to a random place and change my name for a while (May or may not included growing a mustache)
12. Achieve the title of "Doctor"
13. Start a legitimate freelance detective agency
14. Fire off a potato canon in Ireland
15. Teach a dog to fetch the paper, my pipe, and slippers
16. Slow dance to "I'll Be Watching You" in a gymnasium
17. See my name mentioned in a noteworthy publication
18. Learn to sharp shoot
19. Travel through time
20. Save a life and/or soul
21. Endure for 40 days
22. Lose my sight for a little while
23. Make a pilgrimage to each church founded by the Apostles
24. Remix a classic
25. Assist MI6, Interpol, CIA, or any other secret agency
26. Control the elements (Earth, wind, water, fire, etc, etc.)
27. Visit the hospital room where I was born before May 6th 2035
28. Scale a volcano and throw a straw hat into some lava
29. Live in the countryside
30. Swim to an island
31. Learn a language only I and one other can know
32. Recite the Gospel from memory in the Church of Nativity, Bethlehem
33. Discover something never known before on the face of the planet

Ambitiously,
BR80

Transformer

Tonight I realized that I had never listened to her speak in such depth before. She told me everything. And maybe I’m completely selfish...but I secretly hoped that I might’ve been the source of all that happiness and anticipation in her voice. I sat and pondered; and in the midst of our conversation a moment was taken to reflect upon the years in which I had known her…I mused…it was amazing how familiar her face had become within that time…amazing how memorable her words and mannerisms seemed now. I had never figured her out…I only knew her the best I could…and now even that familiarity seems stricken from me. She’s grown into someone new and I see that now, and I’m more proud of her than I’ve ever been. She’s beautiful and intelligent, and most of all, convicted in her principles. She’s always becoming someone different…someone better...and that's why she’s the girl I can never truly know.

Best wishes,
BR80

Riddlespeak

What is yesterday tomorrow and was tomorrow yesterday? It’s today. Today is just yesterday tomorrow…today is just tomorrow yesterday. Lately I’ve been trying to think of how I can overcomplicate the simple things in life. For example, instead of simply saying “I love you”, I’ll say, “I only lie to those I love, and frankly, I hate you”, which of course would be a lie, and thus, I love them dearly. It’s my attempt to bring some sort balance to my life. Insane? Yes. But come on people, I’m tired and cloudy.

Must…sleep…
BR80

"Half Life"

Half life wastes before it goes
It's funny how your bee sting touch never leaves me whole
It's not enough to stay here almost trying
You keep your last laugh watch this dying
It's just your half time vertigo
And if you want an answer...I don't know

If you had completed me
Don't think I'd be pleased with you
Don't think I'd compete with you
With half of me to take

Half life nothing I'd call home
It's lucky how these phantom limb bee stings never show
It's not enough to leave this falling kindly
You burn my star down twice as brightly
It's just your half light undertow
But if you need forgiveness...I don't know

If you had completed me
Don't think I'd be pleased with you
Don't think I'd compete with you
With half of me to take

Half light breaks with nothing wrong
Just a corner of my bed where you don't belong
It's kind of you to notice no-one's dying
You had your last laugh almost crying
It's just your half life long to know
And if you need a reason...so it goes

If you had completed me
Don't think I'd be pleased with you
Don't think I'd compete with you
With half of me to take

By: Sneaker Pimps

Skeleton Clown

The Sum of Our Parts

Maybe I’m unromantic in thinking this, but I never really thought love would be the answer to: “What’s going to make me happy in this life?” Aristophanes (an ancient Greek comedian/philosopher) figured that man and woman were once joined together as one spectacular being…so spectacular that the gods themselves felt threatened by these beings and decided to split them in two…two fragments, two genders…man and woman…which is why we seek our other half, so that we may feel “whole” again…united as one being. Crazy, hey? I thought so; since it doesn’t seem to reflect how I feel about the whole “love” thing. Yet, it seems to be what the entire planet wants to believe; and maybe I want to believe it too. But I can’t allow myself to think something so reckless. All be it, it would be a simple answer to everything if it were true.

"Love is simply the name for the desire and the pursuit of the whole." -Aristophanes, 450-385 BC

Imagine if all you had to do is fall in love with another person to feel whole. With that logic I should be the most wholly complete person on the planet! I fall in love and my brain falls out of my skull. I’ve got to love smarter. I’ve got to recite this religiously: the answers to my questions do not lie in any person, no matter how much I love them. It’s self-centered to think that my own romantic satisfaction grants me a greater understanding of this world around me and the people within it.

Wholly,
BR80

Lesson of the Day

I’ve discovered that the line between friendly and creepy is uncomfortably thin.

-BR80

Shock 'N' Burn

With no texture to voltage or fire the closest one gets to feeling either is by shock and burn. I find that strange; strange that there are some things in this world we are unable to feel without pain as the only result. Love: as equally painful as is equally intangible; unable to feel it in itself, we are left only with its effects...its many shocks and burns.

Ow,
BR80

My Mortality

I don't know if actually reading a tally on your expected years to live (avg. age 77) is depressing or impressive. I’d like to think it's neither…seeing how, in the end, all the numbers could be wrong…it might be over in 2005 for all I know. “Like a thief in the night”, right? Well, whatever this means…it makes me think.

BORN in 1985 A.D.,
1986 = 1yrs old, 1987 = 2, 1988 = 3, 1989 = 4, 1990 = 5, 1991 = 6, 1992 = 7, 1993 = 8, 1994 = 9, 1995 = 10, 1996 = 11, 1997 = 12, 1998 = 13, 1999 = 14, 2000 = 15, 2001= 16, 2002 = 17, 2003 = 18, 2004 = 19, 2005 = 20, 2006 = 21, 2007 = 22, 2008 = 23, 2009 = 24, 2010 = 25, 2011 = 26, 2012 = 27, 2013 = 28, 2014 = 29, 2015 = 30, 2016 = 31, 2017 = 32, 2018 = 33, 2019 = 34, 2020 = 35, 2021 = 36, 2022 = 37, 2023 = 38, 2024 = 39, 2025 = 40, 2026 = 41, 2027 = 42, 2028 = 43, 2029 = 44, 2030 = 45, 2031 = 46, 2032 = 47, 2033 = 48, 2034 = 49, 2035 = 50, 2036 = 51, 2037 = 52, 2038 = 53, 2039 = 54, 2040 = 55, 2041 = 56, 2042 = 57, 2043 = 58, 2044 = 59, 2045 = 60, 2046 = 61, 2047 = 62, 2048 = 63, 2049 = 64, 2050 = 65, 2051 = 66, 2052 = 67, 2053 = 68, 2054 = 69, 2055 = 70, 2056 = 71, 2057 = 72, 2058 = 73, 2059 = 74, 2060 = 75, 2061 = 76,
DEAD by 2062 A.D. = 77

R.I.P.,
BR80 (1985 - 2062)

"The Way I Feel Inside"

Should I try to hide
the way I feel inside?
My heart...for you?
Would you say that you
would try to love me too?
In your mind
could you ever be
really close to me?
I can tell the way you smile.
If I feel that I
could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight.

But 'til I can see
that you'd really care for me
I will dream
that someday you'll be
really close to me.
I can tell the way you smile.
If I feel that I
could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight.

But 'til I can see
that you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hide the way I feel inside.

By: The Zombies

Twilight Vigil

I should be sleeping right now…but I can’t. It’s not especially late or anything, I just need to try and rest since I have to get up so early tomorrow. I think there must be three kinds of insomnia…insomnia of the heart (when you’re in love), the mind (when you’re thought filled), and the body (when you’re just not tired). I’m guessing tonight is all about insomnia of the mind. I want to sleep…but why sleep when I could do something utterly unproductive, like document my thoughts and classifications of insomnia? I guess there could be a fourth class…not wanting to sleep just because you don’t want to…insomnia of the will. Of course, somniphobia and hypnophobia, the fear of sleep, cannot be ruled out of this matter. And speaking of irrational fears…you know what’s nuts? Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear long words…now isn’t that just plain cruel? If a person has a fear of long words how could a psychologist possibly tell them they have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia without completely freaking them out of their mind? What a terrible name for such a disorder. That’d be like referring to arachnophobia as “thairza-masiv-spydur-on-yurface-O-phobia”. Just doesn’t make sense. I really should be sleeping right now.

Now I lay me down to sleep...
BR80

Thanks a Million Chuck!

Wow, comments much obliged Charles! I really appreciate your thoughts. You're a good friend. So I had to give you an honorary "shout-out", as the kids say. Saaaay now, wait just a minute...is “shout-out” supposed to be hyphenated like that? Ohhhh, what the hay...fun is fun!

Domo arigato,
BR80

BR80's Life: The Soundtrack

Click HERE to download the entire soundtrack as one big self-extracting "ZIP" file.

01 - Main theme "The Crow" - DJ Food

02 - Opening credits "Look Up" - Zero 7

03 - Waking up "This is the Day" - The The

04 - Average day "No Rain" - Blind Melon

05 - Secret love "Lady Of Dreams" - Vast

06 - First date "Big Me" - Foo Fighters

07 - Romantic scene "Sleepwalking" - Modest Mouse

08 - Falling in love "The Moon is Down" - Explosions in the Sky

09 - Training Montage "Butterflies and Hurricanes" - Muse

10 - Fight scene "Sabotage" - Beastie Boys

11 - Breaking up "Nothingman" - Pearl Jam

12 - Getting back together "Float On" - Modest Mouse

13 - Life's okay "The Way We Get By" - Spoon

14 - Mental breakdown "Frontier Psychiatrist" - The Avalanches

15 - Driving "Tunnel" - The Dining Rooms

16 - Learning a lesson "Rebellion (Lies)" - The Arcade Fire

17 - Deep thought "Who Am I" - Peter Kruder

18 - Flashback "Cutup" - Fridge

19 - Partying "Ninja Rap" - Vanilla Ice

20 - Happy dance "Peaches" - The Presidents Of The United States Of America

21 - Regretting "Me and a Gun" - Tori Amos (Xerxes Remix)

22 - Long night alone "Six Days At The Bottom Of The Ocean" - Explosions in the Sky

23 - Death scene "Don't Fear The Reaper" - Gus

24 - Closing credits "God Gave Rock and Roll to You" - KISS

Composed by:
BR80

Matters of Life and Death

Some think if a murderer kills...they themselves deserve to die. Some feel if one loses the capacity to think, to breathe, to beat their own heart, they should die. Many feel if a pregnancy occurs, a legitimate course of action is one of ceasing the formation of life. Some think if a thief steals they deserve to die. Some feel if one is mentally handicapped, unable to reason, to understand, they should die. Some might agree...if a genetic defect, such as having only nine fingers, is found in an unborn child...it's formation of life should be ended...it should die. To me, what’s most frightening about these ethical issues and practices is not the practices themselves, but the question of who makes the final decision on who is to be worthy of life. I don’t care if you're pro-choice or all for euthanasia, you still have to admit…it could all go completely the other way…I mean, maybe someday it’ll be O.K. to kill someone with a mental disorder, which…as disturbing as it may seem…seems to be the path we’re heading down (and the path we've already gone)…because it all depends on who’s in charge, on who sets the criteria.

"I am prepared to die, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill."

- Mahatma Gandhi

So all of you “pro-everything” people be conscious of the fact that whatever issue your fighting for today could be taken to the extreme tomorrow. And I imagine in the future the reasons they’ll think of and the criteria they’ll devise are endless in terms of who deserves to live and who deserves to die…yet I'll never see them as reasons, but only as excuses. Killing and the cessation of developing life are inexcusable by my books. And perhaps those that agree with me will never be heard for what the underlying truth is…that being: humanity is in no position to determine who deserves the right of life...not now, not ever.

Alive and well,
BR80

On Honesty:

I suppose those that feel I dispute their every word are those that continually lie to me. Is it any wonder that a lack of trust is the result when lies are all you hear?

Toil & Trouble

I think The Blair Witch Project was a film that the majority of the public completely wrote off thanks in part to over the top hype and zany spoofs…I don’t think people actually gave it a chance. When I experienced it I had no expectations and zero preconceptions…I went into that movie believing it was real…which added an entirely unnerving element to the whole thing.

"In October of 1994, three student film makers disappeared in the woods near Burkittesville, Maryland while shooting a documentary…One year later, their footage was found."

-The Blair Witch Project, Plot Outline

I saw it for the first time in theaters, and at the time, I didn’t know there was a director, and a script, and that the three people losing their minds were actors. As far as I knew, I was watching a frighteningly real documentation of three real people lost in the woods, about to die in the night by means of unknown forces. This movie had what makes for a great camp fire story…that being, the scariest part about any ghost story altogether: wondering whether or not it actually happened…wondering if it could ever happen. The Blair Witch Project scared me something fierce, and I just wish more people could have shared that experience prior to all of that hype hootenanny.

Frightfully,
BR80

Devoid of Explanation

So is dirt eternal, or what? I mean, where did all of this dirt come from…dirt attributed to that “Big Bang”, attributed to the creation of our world, to the creation of all humanity? And just how did we arrive at this place in time? By a total and utterly unbelievable amount of luck? I believe in an everlasting God. Where did God come from? I’m more interested in where all that dirt came from. I have a problem with science…and not just because it’s an establishment bent on dismembering my every principle…but because it’s an establishment unrelentingly unable to admit to the fact that something’s cannot be known…and as crazy as it may sound…we are extremely limited as to what we can empirically discover about ourselves and this universe; extremely limited all thanks to our five senses…thusly, we cannot know everything. Modern science is truly arrogant; lacking in the ability to admit just how indefinite scientific theory is.

Unscientifically,
BR80

Nothingman

Well, nothing much to say these days. It’s kind of a nice break to not have to think about anything. Although, my lack of cognition has produced some odd side effects, like restlessness…which means I need to find some serious occupational preoccupation…posthaste. Yup. Soooooo…the weather’s been pretty good as of late. Yeah, gotta love weather. I have to say, I definitely missed that sun…I mean the moon’s O.K. too, but it gets its own glory every autumn with that harvest moon and all…so I think it’s only fair that we acknowledge the sun during these summer months. Hmmm, yes, that'll do…probably the best thoughts I can muster for the time being.

Fried out of my brain,
BR80

ThumpThump

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."
-C. S. Lewis

You know, if you sit still and rest quietly enough you not only hear your own heartbeat, you feel it too. It’s strange. Yet, if you really think about it, you should know the feeling your own heartbeat; your heart, after all, rests deep within the core of your torso. You’d feel anything else that deep, yet most of the time, you manage to somehow overlook your hearts’ sensations…with all of its beats going unnoticed, and to some degree, unappreciated. I mean, you never think twice about your heart’s subtle work, that is, until you experience something that causes your blood to race, and suddenly, its beats are all you can hear, its pulse all you can feel, and its ever active presence is unveiled. The times in which your heart pounds its hardest are the times in which you know its purpose the most; like when you’re near the one you love or fearing for your life (if there’s even a difference between the two). Whatever the case may be...for a brief instant, you know the feeling of your own heartbeat, and possibly, what it means to be a living being.

Palpitating,
BR80

Futile Entry

So I was just lying on the floor and my head was resting awkwardly on my arm...it was pretty uncomfortable...and I felt this tension in my neck, but I just kept lying there. So I thought, “Why don’t I just move?”. But I couldn’t. I don’t know why exactly. I liken it to that really comfortable feeling you have just before you drift off to sleep, when you don’t want to move for anything, but realize you have to when you get an itch on your foot. Only, in this case, I was really uncomfortable, yet didn’t want to move, but had to in order to write this blog entry. Which makes me wonder why I even wrote this to begin with. I think my brain’s itchy.

Idly,
BR80

"Heart Cooks Brain"

Oops. I should stop being so hasty with my affection. Even though I've found someone I feel I really connect with, I'll always have that rift of inexperience. It's too bad. I mean, you finally meet a girl you really like...something that's pure and unadulterated, like this untapped sensation you haven't felt since primary school...and you get ransacked with the reality that everybody's grown up around you. I have to face it, I'm very green. Some people are just really mature for their age, by which I mean, when it comes to having loads of past relationships...both weak and strong. I guess I never wanted something weak. I guess that's my problem. But I've always taken satisfaction in knowing that she's out there somewhere, and that she's been living her whole life just as I have: wondering where that one love is. Ya know? You know.

Zealously,
BR80

One, Two, Many...

I wish I didn’t change my mind so much on things...and on people.

I loved her for her mind, I loved her for her boldness.

I love her for her soul…for her humble meekness.

I thrived on her fierce opinion.

I revel in her sweet resilience.

I always admired her diehard persistence.

She always imparts her levity.

She used to ground me with gravity.

She stands before me.

She lies in my wake.

She’s here.

She’s gone.

Here by me, for a time.

Right of Way

I think I need to change. There are so many things in my life that I need to work out…mainly my priorities. I’ve been struggling with my faith...not in losing it, just in understanding it and in coping with my neglect towards it. I want to know myself better, I want to know what I believe, and when I know, I want to be able to find someone to love, someone who believes the same. I guess those are the prospects I desire and the pressing issues at hand. But getting back to that whole priorities thing…I need some higher ones. Everything I dream of wanting for my life is deeply flawed in that I’m only focusing on what I want for my life…I’m only thinking of what is best for me. Shouldn’t I be helping others? I should be thinking of solutions for meeting the needs and dreams of others. I know a blog’s purpose is to document a person’s own wants and thoughts…but I’m sick of thinking about what I need. I’m not saying that I’m a terrible and selfish person, but if I continue to indulge in my own priorities over God’s, I’m definitely on my way to becoming one.

BR80

Diggin' Up History, Burying Memories

It’s been almost two years now since I left High School, I guess I’m missing a lot of people. It’s strange, usually when someone’s gone from your life you mourn and have a eulogy spoken at a small gathering in remembrance, after which, some dust is scattered and you reflect on what you would’ve said to that one person if they were still with you. But instead of this we have celebrations and ceremonies for entire graduating classes. I think it’s kinda sad.

"The passive master lent his hand, to the vast Soul which o'er him planned."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson's Gravestone

It isn’t, however, like all of the people you know instantly “die off” after the grad rituals…it’s more like a slow burn that occurs after the fact, after school is over with completely. It’s more like your entire graduating class slowly departs, their existence (as you know it) gradually slipping away, never giving you that chance to say something that’s of worth. Some go sooner than others, and some hold on, they stay in touch for as along as possible and cling to their relationships like a person to life on their death bed. But I guess there’s nothing wrong with moving on…you have to…it’s like coping with loss through death. And it’s for this that I hate photos. Forgetting the little things is what makes moving on so doable. Gawking at a photograph only does what I don’t want to do: fixate on the dead.

All dug out,
BR80

An Incommunicable Attraction

I think I was too awestruck to fall in love with this girl I just met the other night. And when I’m awestruck...I’m awkward...so unfortunately we didn’t really get to speak for as long as I would have wished. Initially, and with a hefty crowd between us, she was informally introduced to me from afar, yet I wasn't genuinely acquainted until I had met with the sound of her voice. Through her sweet rhythm of speech I heard what I can only begin to decipher as the essence of a beautiful human-being. A little melodramatic? Sure…in words and on paper, and by all sorts of love riddled adjectives…it is melodramatic. But melodrama shmelodrama! When it comes to love it’s not like you can have an original over exaggeration anyway, since every man at some point throughout history has felt this exact way towards some other woman, and not to mention the fact that this particular girl has probably had her share of guys romanced by her charm. All in all, nothing's new under the sun...and I'm just following the rules of attraction entirely by the numbers. But all that aside, my main point is: I can’t put into words how this girl’s beauty makes me feel…well I could, but I’d have to stoop to some mindless babbling about her fair hair and the sweetness her smile…which doesn’t rightfully convey how I feel…so I should stop typing.

Wordless,
BR80

Contradicting Myself

Ho-hum. I'm bored, I'm lonely, I'm wishing I could do what I want with my life. And what's that exactly? Absolutely nothing and absolutely everything. I want to find a girl I love, settle down, and just exist. I'm in the wake of the beginning of my entire life and I'm already looking forward to retirement. I wonder what that says about me? I guess it could mean I lack ambition. And that may have some element of truth in it, yet at the same time, I'm weighed down by an overwhelming need to find some kind of purpose. Some days I want to make the biggest difference I can in the world and other days I'd prefer to just disappear from civilization completely. I guess for now my greatest motivation is attempting to find a solution to these contradictions.

Looking in all the wrong places,
BR80

Grandpap's Cell

Today my grandfather asked me if I knew his cell number, so I said "Yes" and asked "Why?" He replied, "So I can save you from the Devil." I love my grandfather, he's hilariously perplexing.

-BR80

Trained

“How do you guys always get here so fast?” I asked. “Police scanners” the reporter replied with a tone of total coolness. I mean, the accident happened so quickly, veering from the regular stream of life so suddenly, that I was startled to find myself speaking with the reporter moments after the c-train I was on had collided with a truck and trailer. Although, not singularly the most astounding event in itself, I caught myself enthralled by the action, the madness, and the utter chaos forged around me, all by a vehicle careening through a crossing arm and into a train. Like the many abnormal events of my life, this one left me to ponder my mind out of its skull.

"Try to learn something about everything and everything about something."
-Thomas H. Huxley

Initially, just after the crash occurred, I began reflecting on, of all things, the probability of this happening to me. Next, the implications of fate ran through my mind, followed by thoughts of confusion surrounding how and why this event had occurred. And before I could even fathom the full extent of the situation I glanced out the train window to see the man, in his truck, his head barley moving. Suddenly, my mind switched gears…I was helpless to help him. I had failed to notice the grisly and crippled truck just outside my window, and even more unnoticed was the man himself, buried under a heap of metal. I don’t know, I’m usually pretty hard on myself with most things, and this awful scenario was no exception. An ambulance arrived in due time, and a helicopter took the driver to the hospital…yet I couldn’t help but think of what I should've done in aid for the man. Yet, limited by mere first aid training, I’m still riddled with a guilt grip of responsibility. But the truth was, I was too afraid to do a thing. I asked myself: “Do I really think I have the moral fibre to approach this truck, peer into its twisted insides, and hope of finding a human life to save?” No, I don’t have that fearlessness. I can wish all I want and convince myself that I knew what to do, but I was utterly self-doubting in that moment. I can’t even begin to deny what a huge responsibility it is to try and save a life. I affirmed (since this accident) that I will never shirk the importance of knowledge, that which can be used to save another's life, and for this, I will begin Emergency Medical Responder training this spring. Maybe then I can help as many people along the way as possible. But first I’ll need a reeeeal good police scanner.

Insured,
BR80

Peeps over Principles

I can’t seem to come to terms with the people of this world. The very leaders of our society, lest we offend someone, decree all principles acceptable and offer consent to every morally decrepit concept (fathomed by any self indulging fiend). Yet simultaneously, this same society tells us, though we may never counter another’s beliefs, we have the utter freedom to hate individuals themselves…because hey, this is more acceptable. We’d rather hate a person than their choices. Still, I always thought it was better to despise the belief and respect the person. But I suppose to some degree, it’s more important in our culture to hang the thief than to prosecute their principles.

Computing,
BR80

A Matter of Seconds

I mused over my own joke, while my friend glared, and I began to wonder: "How is it that a person can be so callous?" The cold eyes grew on me as though they yearned to brutally devour me in that single moment...and that's all it was really...a moment. Couldn't have been more than a few seconds. Yet, a moment is all it takes to break one's confidence and scorn a lonely heart. I reflected on the importance of taking two steps out of my stride to pay attention to every person...each one. And suddenly, as instantaneous as the thought proceeding, this notion crept up on my mind quicker than ever before: Only by my suffering would I awake to the shrill reality of the suffering of others. An abrupt guilt rushed over me. Who had I abandoned in the wake of my life? I was positive I'd done it many times, to many people, to people that needed someone! After a brief but tedious reflection I realized I couldn't be there for everyone, and that many would rather not be helped, feeling no help is sought. Yet still, I had to try to do something...or anything. I have a responsibility. And it was all seen so clearly in that single moment. I need to contact some people.

Via Blog,
BR80

Tally ustd/!!1

mY kybord hsn’t en wokingg tonigt. mostl w typin; 'T', 'E', "r", 'O", and 'b'. I’s seeeosly busd1!!

sEnerly;
R80

Waiting in Purgatory when suddenly, outright stupefied, I catch eye of an Angel.

"Death be not proud"

Today I was asked whether or not I would have any regrets if I died tonight...and I don't feel I would have any. I was pressed further and asked whether or not I would feel any disappointment towards the fact that I would not have had the chance to experience the great things of life such as love, contentment, and the fruits of growing old...and yet again, I don't feel I would have any regrets. If I am to die tonight, it is because I was never suppose to experience such things fully, therefore I would miss nothing, but instead, fulfill my purpose.

"DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for, thou art not so...

...One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die."

-John Donne

I think everyone's been contemplating their own mortality since the thousands died the 26th...well, at least most have been. Everyone dies. I was once told that every secular person, in their time of death, will struggle to accept the Darwinian approach to mortality. Believing we are destined for nothingness doesn't sit too well with the nearly departed. Because a prospect like that isn't only depressing...it's frightening. Who would truly believe in nothingness when they themselves are on their death-bed slipping into the dark? I mean, I'm sure Darwin had some regrets when he was dieing...who wouldn't when you believe you're merely worm food, destined for nothing more than a burial. People lose their lives every day, and sometimes thousands die in a single moment, so it is for this reason that we must put a face to every number to maintain the sanctity of human life, not simply for the reason that every person is an evolved creature, but because every human being is blessed with a soul and a purpose, whether in life or death, beyond all comprehension.

Pensively Pensive,

BR80