One Final Dialogue

I feel the best way to know a person is by reading their words...because from their words you gain just a glimpse of the inner-thought. I wish I could have shared a final dialogue with Whitney...today would have been her 21st birthday. We had collaborated on a valedictorian speech together once...it's one of those important memories I'll always have. We had a somewhat challenging time writing a flowing dialogue together...mainly due to both our stubbornness...and our commitment to presenting an idea we each felt passionately about. There are certain things that I've only recently began to think about. I never really knew that she wrote poetry...there are a lot of things I wish I had known about her. About a week ago, I had the chance to speak with a friend regarding my loss (she's a very good friend, and I can never repay her for her kindness through this...I'm truly in debt to her...which is something she would hate to hear), and from our discussion I found a bit of closure...a bit of peace. I've realized that I really needed one last word with Whitney...a final discourse. And so...today I read some of Whitney's words...a poem she wrote...and I wrote some words of my own, and then interlaced them with hers. I wish I knew her words now...I wish we could work on one final dialogue.

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Whitney
Sometimes,
When the world becomes more than
I can bear,

Brady
Always...
It's a burden unbearable...
a world of inflection.

I think of you
And remember when I loved you.
I find a quiet place in the center
of my soul,

I seek distraction...
And I lose that feeling,
I am swarmed by the rant and banter of noise
at my very core.

Close my eyes,
And breathe your name.
I breathe in the stillness the
innumerable expressions of our love,
Smoothing out the surrounding air.

I lie awake...
I choke on the sounds of the letters that make the words...that make the name...that made you.
Gasping for a moment void of motion...
for the finite memories of our time,
Dragged through this earth surrounding.

The beacon of light that I had for you
overcomes me in the depth of my soul
And I am uplifted to a point of
momentary grace,

My blinding blackness of grief for you
overwhelms me at this core,
as I am trudging into a lower lasting slavery.

Steady as the earth
And strong as the ocean is deep.
I get lost in the feeling of your presence,
Silently enjoying the warmth I get from your light.

Now a shaky world...
As weakened as a mild current.
I find myself sitting in the haze of what was,
Speaking my sorrow...my thoughts...now writing on your absence.

When my earth crumbles away from me,
I rise to the heights of the tallest
mountain peaks,
Overlooking the vast landscape of my life;
From the distant memories to the
Shatterings of my world.
I trace the line of my life that envelopes your presence,
As it paints an immaculate picture
in the earth.

When this world was made real to me...
I was lowered into this lowly depth,
Unable to see my foot before a step to take.
With eyes pierced by that last sight and blinded by this memory,
I walk this route familiar to us...
Forgotten by you...now living in me,
On a path that runs in every known way...
On a road that now will only be known
as walked by only one.

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This is a healing thing for me..and has granted me some sorely sought perspective. My hope is that I can cease the mulling and mourning...and begin living my life in memoriam to her, as it should be.

-Brady

Nothingman

"Once divided...nothing left to subtract.
Some words when spoken...can't be taken back.

Walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking.
Future's above...but in the past, he's slow and sinking.
Caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...

Nothingman...Nothingman...
Isn't it something?
Nothingman..."

-Pearl Jam

Ted the Shetland Sheepdog

My family and I have decided that our aging sheepdog..."Ted"...has suffered for far too long with sickness and blindness, and that the only remedy for his pain is to allow him to die peacefully.

It's complicated when you're saddened by a dying animal...with animals, there's no closure...no final words or thoughts...just a dopey, innocent glare every once in a while...a glare in which you've managed to find some affection. They're not human...but they're missed. He's an old pal for sure...but at 77-dog-years, he's really just an old man...and he duly needs his rest.

And so, "change" continues on...as reigning champion...of my most despised aspect of life.

-Brady

Disclosure I

Typically, I'm pretty wary of what I put on this world wide web of ours...I'm not too liberal with giving names, or places, or even times. But I figure anonymity leads to misunderstanding...and lately, the "truth" has become a very important commodity to me...and since I am in desperate need to know the "truth" of something right now in my life...I will divulge some truth regarding myself...bit by bit over a course of weeks, perhaps.

Sooo, let me begin by introducing myself:

Name/Nom: My name is Brady (or BR80..."br-eighty")...although my real/legal first name is Matthew ...but I never really became accustomed to that...I was never actually called Matthew by name anyway. It has just always been Brady.

Age/Âge: I'm 21...May 6th 1985 is where this whole thing began.
Sex/Sexe: Male...that goes for gender too...seeing as there seems to be a distinction these days.
Hair/Cheveux: Brown/Brun
Eyes/ Yeux: Hazel/Noisette
Height/Taille: 6ft.
Weight/Poids: 170lbs

Sooo, I guess that's a start. I'm not sure what else to say exactly...I mean, even this level of exposure seems a tad unsettling...but it's too late to stop typing now...I'll be sure to continue my quest of disclosure...blog by blog...

[To be continued...]

Photoboothin'

Drugs at Night

"Drugs...drugs...drugs...some are good...some are bad...get them from your Mom and Dad."...this was a drug awareness message I remember seeing on TV (à la the Canadian government) when I was young. Yup...it's true...some are bad. I'm on some right now...but they're good. They're sleeping pills...for sleeping. Actually, I should be asleep (I took one about 3hrs ago)...but instead, I'm pushing the limits...in defiance of all things non-nocturnal. I attempted to write something yesterday on a piece of paper whilst on a sleeping pill...but the next morning it just turned out to be a bunch of wacky scribbles. Anyway, I suppose I'm doing pretty good right now for writing...but we'll see what morning brings. Hmmm...currently, if I move about too much I feel just a tad dizzy/drowsy. Interestingly enough, one of the side effects of zopiclone (these particular sleeping pills) is "sleepiness". After taking that under advisement...I've decided that I deem the side effects of these pills unacceptable...I wouldn't want to risk falling asleep. It's amazing what info you can gather from Drugs.com.

Another side effect I've discovered is "dryness of mouth"...vis-à-vis...an ensuing bad taste right after you take the pill and the following morning. Sooo, I says to myself..."Self, I imagine doctors would not prescribe such a medication to an insomniac professional wine taster...that could have dire consequences." You see, wine tasters must rely on a "clean palate" before they taste their wines...this drug, however, does not allow for such a palate...rather, it taints one's taste buds quite profoundly. Hmm, interesting. This further leads one to question: Let's say a professional wine taster (we'll call him Sir. Maxwell X. Orwell) is nervous about an annual wine tasting competition in which he had done poorly the year previous...and of all people, Orwell lost to his nemesis - Phinius R. Rottinfeffer (a master of the wine arts). Orwell hasn't been sleeping all year in anticipation for this upcoming showdown...how could he ever rely on a sleeping pill that distorts his finely tuned "palate"? What are his options? Clearly, Rottinfeffer has the advantage. Sorry Maxwell...looks like another annual wine tasting competition down the drain...that is - at least - until they discover how to create a half-decent sleeping pill void of any mouth altering side effects. Wow...I'm tired. Should I sleep? Perhaps...for now. But what's the point these days? Albeit, it would appear that I get both more and less done when I stay awake..."more", as in more procrastinating...and "less", as in less actual work completed. Oh well...on a side note...I really don't like wine...sooo, I have no qualms with these sleeping pills in particular.

G'night,
Brady

Midnight in a Perfect World

Midnight In A Perfect World Video - DJ Shadow lyrics

DJ Shadow always had the tendency to inspire many of my thoughts. This video is courtesy of a site I found from Tricia.