"Meditation XVII"

Every person is connected...because every person dies...and since all life ends...all life is shared. Maybe that's nonsensical hippie jive...but I'm trying to appreciate life from death...and thus far, it's a hurting thing to do...because as much as her death is a tribute to the greatness of life...it nevertheless blares the deafening truth of our mortality. Johnny said it best: "Nunc Lento Sonitu Dicunt, Morieris (Now, this bell tolling softly for another, says to me, Thou must die)".

-Brady

"...all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another. As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come, so this bell calls us all; but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness.

. . .

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

-John Donne (1623)

Rock...Paper...Scissors

I was on the train about two months ago sitting across from a strange fellow...he was in his 20s...shifty...but nonetheless normal in appearance. I hadn't really given him a second thought...that is until he started acting fidgety. I tried to ignore the behavior...as most people try to do on the train. I got a vibe...but I couldn't predict his next move. Suddenly, the man leaned forward with his fist extended outward toward me...not in a threatening manner, mind you...but rather, as if he wanted a game of rock-paper-scissors.

I was skeptical for a moment...yet I complied. Without a word said I held out my fist and we began to play. First game...a stalemate...both rock. Second...I win...paper beats rock. Third game...I won again...scissors beat paper. I guess we were playing best-two-out-of-three. He had a hard time hiding his disappointment...but regardless, not a word was spoken...he sat back in his seat and-just as it had began-we stared out the train window in silence. I wasn't exactly sure as to what had transpired in that moment...but I didn't care. A few stops later I was off the train and on my way.

I hadn't thought of that little incident until recently...it puzzles me now...but wasn't that the guy's point? Wasn't he trying to behave strangely on purpose? I'll never know...and frankly, his actions don't concern me. There are others, however, who are just as (if not more) oddball in nature...others who outright harass train passengers. I've dealt with my share...the crackheads...the punks...the creeps...they're out there to hurt someone. I've been fortunate enough to defuse any real problems...but I fear the day I get wrapped up in some mugging or random stabbing...law of odds I suppose. Until then...lets just hope every train ride is a harmless game of rock-paper-scissors.

-Brady

Path Aplenty

I'm completely immobilized...a serious case of life paralysis. I have yet to choose a path these days. It's times like these where one could take a wrong turn...a turn for the worse...turn in circles...or turn out badly. These days, it's the solutions that don't make sense...not the problems. The problems are quite clear. I've always had a desire to fix the things that break in my life...fix the people...fix the issues...find the solutions...the answers. But there are no answers now. No remedy in reach...just a mess of thoughts and a lot of speculation as to my next course of action...my next direction...the next move. I hope it's the right one. Until then...since I'm stopped...I mine as well have a rest.

-Brady

Disclosure II

Cont'd from Disclosure I:

Nationality-orgins/Nationalité-origines: I've been a Canadian all my life...my entire family has been here since the c.1600s...or possibly earlier on account of our "métis" bloodline. Eventually, we mixed among other European decedents in the West.

I love the West. To me, The Rockies are one of the greatest creations on Earth...a creation that I am constantly humbled by...when I stand at the foot of their presence...I'm terrified and awestruck...the vastness and power that hails from them are life altering. And even greater still can be found further West...our Pacific Ocean shoreline...mountainous, green, refreshing, and calming...to me, it's an Ocean that inspires an eeriness likened only to the depths of space...it's lonesome...massive...expansive...and freeing.

Siblings/Frères-soeurs: Three older brothers...one younger sister. I wouldn't want it any other way. I always planned on someday having a very large family of my own...it's a happy prospect for sure...but it's really not my place to plan I suppose.

Religion/Religion: I've always looked to my parents when trying to find the right balance between being in the world...but not of it. They both policed during the 1970s for the most crime-ridden city (per capita) in Canada...and for that, I truly value their theological perspective. They had to deal with some harsh reality...but they always did the right thing...always had compassion...and always helped whoever needed it most. My parents were committed to God...and there was no situation (no matter how gruesome or disturbing) that shook that...even to this day. They have been an unbelievable example to me...I find them remarkable...and I see their level of faith in Christ as something I aspire to.

Personally, I value the Orthodox Christian philosophy...it's love God with your everything...love your neighbor with all of the love you could possibly have for yourself...and do it all with the greatest of humility. Pretty simple rules...but more importantly...very powerful in practice.

One Final Dialogue

I feel the best way to know a person is by reading their words...because from their words you gain just a glimpse of the inner-thought. I wish I could have shared a final dialogue with Whitney...today would have been her 21st birthday. We had collaborated on a valedictorian speech together once...it's one of those important memories I'll always have. We had a somewhat challenging time writing a flowing dialogue together...mainly due to both our stubbornness...and our commitment to presenting an idea we each felt passionately about. There are certain things that I've only recently began to think about. I never really knew that she wrote poetry...there are a lot of things I wish I had known about her. About a week ago, I had the chance to speak with a friend regarding my loss (she's a very good friend, and I can never repay her for her kindness through this...I'm truly in debt to her...which is something she would hate to hear), and from our discussion I found a bit of closure...a bit of peace. I've realized that I really needed one last word with Whitney...a final discourse. And so...today I read some of Whitney's words...a poem she wrote...and I wrote some words of my own, and then interlaced them with hers. I wish I knew her words now...I wish we could work on one final dialogue.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Whitney
Sometimes,
When the world becomes more than
I can bear,

Brady
Always...
It's a burden unbearable...
a world of inflection.

I think of you
And remember when I loved you.
I find a quiet place in the center
of my soul,

I seek distraction...
And I lose that feeling,
I am swarmed by the rant and banter of noise
at my very core.

Close my eyes,
And breathe your name.
I breathe in the stillness the
innumerable expressions of our love,
Smoothing out the surrounding air.

I lie awake...
I choke on the sounds of the letters that make the words...that make the name...that made you.
Gasping for a moment void of motion...
for the finite memories of our time,
Dragged through this earth surrounding.

The beacon of light that I had for you
overcomes me in the depth of my soul
And I am uplifted to a point of
momentary grace,

My blinding blackness of grief for you
overwhelms me at this core,
as I am trudging into a lower lasting slavery.

Steady as the earth
And strong as the ocean is deep.
I get lost in the feeling of your presence,
Silently enjoying the warmth I get from your light.

Now a shaky world...
As weakened as a mild current.
I find myself sitting in the haze of what was,
Speaking my sorrow...my thoughts...now writing on your absence.

When my earth crumbles away from me,
I rise to the heights of the tallest
mountain peaks,
Overlooking the vast landscape of my life;
From the distant memories to the
Shatterings of my world.
I trace the line of my life that envelopes your presence,
As it paints an immaculate picture
in the earth.

When this world was made real to me...
I was lowered into this lowly depth,
Unable to see my foot before a step to take.
With eyes pierced by that last sight and blinded by this memory,
I walk this route familiar to us...
Forgotten by you...now living in me,
On a path that runs in every known way...
On a road that now will only be known
as walked by only one.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


This is a healing thing for me..and has granted me some sorely sought perspective. My hope is that I can cease the mulling and mourning...and begin living my life in memoriam to her, as it should be.

-Brady

Nothingman

"Once divided...nothing left to subtract.
Some words when spoken...can't be taken back.

Walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking.
Future's above...but in the past, he's slow and sinking.
Caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...

Nothingman...Nothingman...
Isn't it something?
Nothingman..."

-Pearl Jam

Ted the Shetland Sheepdog

My family and I have decided that our aging sheepdog..."Ted"...has suffered for far too long with sickness and blindness, and that the only remedy for his pain is to allow him to die peacefully.

It's complicated when you're saddened by a dying animal...with animals, there's no closure...no final words or thoughts...just a dopey, innocent glare every once in a while...a glare in which you've managed to find some affection. They're not human...but they're missed. He's an old pal for sure...but at 77-dog-years, he's really just an old man...and he duly needs his rest.

And so, "change" continues on...as reigning champion...of my most despised aspect of life.

-Brady

Disclosure I

Typically, I'm pretty wary of what I put on this world wide web of ours...I'm not too liberal with giving names, or places, or even times. But I figure anonymity leads to misunderstanding...and lately, the "truth" has become a very important commodity to me...and since I am in desperate need to know the "truth" of something right now in my life...I will divulge some truth regarding myself...bit by bit over a course of weeks, perhaps.

Sooo, let me begin by introducing myself:

Name/Nom: My name is Brady (or BR80..."br-eighty")...although my real/legal first name is Matthew ...but I never really became accustomed to that...I was never actually called Matthew by name anyway. It has just always been Brady.

Age/Âge: I'm 21...May 6th 1985 is where this whole thing began.
Sex/Sexe: Male...that goes for gender too...seeing as there seems to be a distinction these days.
Hair/Cheveux: Brown/Brun
Eyes/ Yeux: Hazel/Noisette
Height/Taille: 6ft.
Weight/Poids: 170lbs

Sooo, I guess that's a start. I'm not sure what else to say exactly...I mean, even this level of exposure seems a tad unsettling...but it's too late to stop typing now...I'll be sure to continue my quest of disclosure...blog by blog...

[To be continued...]

Photoboothin'

Drugs at Night

"Drugs...drugs...drugs...some are good...some are bad...get them from your Mom and Dad."...this was a drug awareness message I remember seeing on TV (à la the Canadian government) when I was young. Yup...it's true...some are bad. I'm on some right now...but they're good. They're sleeping pills...for sleeping. Actually, I should be asleep (I took one about 3hrs ago)...but instead, I'm pushing the limits...in defiance of all things non-nocturnal. I attempted to write something yesterday on a piece of paper whilst on a sleeping pill...but the next morning it just turned out to be a bunch of wacky scribbles. Anyway, I suppose I'm doing pretty good right now for writing...but we'll see what morning brings. Hmmm...currently, if I move about too much I feel just a tad dizzy/drowsy. Interestingly enough, one of the side effects of zopiclone (these particular sleeping pills) is "sleepiness". After taking that under advisement...I've decided that I deem the side effects of these pills unacceptable...I wouldn't want to risk falling asleep. It's amazing what info you can gather from Drugs.com.

Another side effect I've discovered is "dryness of mouth"...vis-à-vis...an ensuing bad taste right after you take the pill and the following morning. Sooo, I says to myself..."Self, I imagine doctors would not prescribe such a medication to an insomniac professional wine taster...that could have dire consequences." You see, wine tasters must rely on a "clean palate" before they taste their wines...this drug, however, does not allow for such a palate...rather, it taints one's taste buds quite profoundly. Hmm, interesting. This further leads one to question: Let's say a professional wine taster (we'll call him Sir. Maxwell X. Orwell) is nervous about an annual wine tasting competition in which he had done poorly the year previous...and of all people, Orwell lost to his nemesis - Phinius R. Rottinfeffer (a master of the wine arts). Orwell hasn't been sleeping all year in anticipation for this upcoming showdown...how could he ever rely on a sleeping pill that distorts his finely tuned "palate"? What are his options? Clearly, Rottinfeffer has the advantage. Sorry Maxwell...looks like another annual wine tasting competition down the drain...that is - at least - until they discover how to create a half-decent sleeping pill void of any mouth altering side effects. Wow...I'm tired. Should I sleep? Perhaps...for now. But what's the point these days? Albeit, it would appear that I get both more and less done when I stay awake..."more", as in more procrastinating...and "less", as in less actual work completed. Oh well...on a side note...I really don't like wine...sooo, I have no qualms with these sleeping pills in particular.

G'night,
Brady

Midnight in a Perfect World

Midnight In A Perfect World Video - DJ Shadow lyrics

DJ Shadow always had the tendency to inspire many of my thoughts. This video is courtesy of a site I found from Tricia.

Change is Cyclical

Fall again.
Barren trees...leaves on rocks and grey dreary days.
A better time for walks...need more layers though...far less hot.
Figure it's cold for a reason...tilt of the Earth and whatnot..."seasons".
Colder from now on...that's for certain.
No going back now...but it'll happen again...this time next year.

No problem here...I enjoy the Fall...it's the change that breaks me.
Things change in the Fall...they always do...from the skies, to the trees, to the yellowed grass...to your own life...to the lives of all those around you.

Wish it were for the best...but change isn't about that...it's about breaking the balance to keep the order of things.

This is Fall.

-Brady

Fearing the Fleeting Thought

Now I mourn
For the fact that not mourning means
That my mind might have lost sight
Of that rarest life...
Of her who I once knew.

-Brady

Tomorrow On The Runway

"Did you leave the darkness without me?
You're always miles ahead.
And you're standing in tomorrow on the runway."

-The Innocence Mission

Whitney Victoria Barham 1985 - 2006

"Suddenly and way too soon for anyone to understand why, Whitney Victoria Barham, with friends and family present, succumbed to injuries in Victoria, B.C. on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 after a valiant, dignified, courageous fight to remain with us as the Light of our Lives and Heart of our Hearts. Whitney was born in Sudbury, ON on October 31, 1985 to Caroline and Mark at seven pounds, 10 and one half ounces at 11:19 a.m. From that time the world changed. Two and one half years later, Whitney became the older sister to Kelsey and once again the world changed. From early on, Whitney's zest for adventure and life challenged her parents, sister, teachers and friends to laugh and smile at the world. Whitney was Valedictorian for her Grade Twelve class. She was a member of Royal Canadian Legion, Branch No. 23 in North Bay, ON, President of the Model United Nations and was in her third year at the University of Lethbridge, with unfinished ambitions to work with her parents, own her own business and work at the United Nations. Whitney's dreams were ours, her strength boundless, and her opinions and interests many. Poetry, writing, music, family, cooking and Patrick were her passions, loves and light. Whitney never truly left the birth attachment to her mother Caroline, whether she was in the same room or in a different country. So hard is her passing; so wonderful was her life; so bright was her smile; so missed is her laugh. This gentle soul had eyes that could pierce the toughest of people and see the beauty within and her saying "I love you" will haunt the minutes of our days apart. Blessed are we to have had the privilege to have held her, kissed her, and loved her."

Whitney, I will never forget you, you will never leave my mind...I will never meet anyone like you again in my life. You meant so much to me...you knew me in a way that no other person has. I always felt that you and I were somewhat alike...and that if it weren't for the mere differences in our lives' varying circumstances...we might have been the same person. I will always love you and always aspire to be like you.

Family, friends mourn vibrant woman

By BILL LAYE, THE SUN

Family and friends of a Calgarian drowned in a scuba accident on the West Coast are remembering her as a vibrant woman whose life ended far too soon.

Whitney Barham, 20, died last Wednesday in a Victoria hospital after attempts to revive her proved fruitless.

Two days earlier, she and boyfriend Patrick Clark had been diving in an area known as Ogden Point when Whitney ran into trouble in rough water and lost her regulator, said her heartbroken mom Caroline.

"Patrick was very heroic ... he did everything he could," Caroline said last night.

Caroline said the loss of Whitney has devastated the family.

"She was just a sweet, sweet girl."

Had she lived, she definitely would have gone on to do great things, said her former principal, Derrick Mohamed.

"At her graduation she said she wanted to be an astronaut, doctor or pilot," Mohamed said of the former class valedictorian.

Funeral services are set for 2 p.m. Tuesday at Sacred Heart Catholic church.

Former classmates and teachers will celebrate her life 7 p.m. Wednesday at her High School.

Between Nightfall & Daybreak

I’ve been letting my mind do the thinking as of late…you know, just letting it run wild…and from this…my yonder-days emerge as the entirely dominating force behind my unhindered thoughts. Just as the impulse of the pulse…the compulsion of my memories becomes this great palpitation of the mind. The ever-exhausting feat of recollection takes its toll on my night’s sleep…or sleepless nights. When night draws near and I feel I should rest, I find no better solace than in the preoccupation of my mind - by the senseless thoughts and illusions ignited by its eye. When void of lively thought, I find myself in no other place than that of regret and desolation. I wish I told her how important she was to me, and how much I valued her. I’ve never written this down…though the thought persistently enters my mind…I hate getting too specific on this blogger thing…and I never have…I’m sorry…I miss you. You’re a good friend. I need rest…and I know I never will until I make peace. When night falls and I’m in the dark…just before my mind begins to slip into lifelessness…I always think of the sky…it’s vast and black emptiness…with those pale shards engraved in its design…and suddenly, I say to my self…“Just end it”…and I don’t know what that's suppose to mean exactly…yet, somehow I think it says that I want my last moments to be afloat amidst the serenity of a heavenly body…somewhere alone…cold…and beautiful.

Celestially,
BR80

My Sixty-six Idiosyncrasies

I needed to do this…I needed to know what made me Brady…while many of these idiosyncrasies are petty…it really helps paint a picture for me. Think of it as a form of very very cheap therapy. I think maybe others could gain some perspective by trying this too…I just tapped this “semi-stream of consciousness” state of mind and documented every possible quirk that I currently possess…and I have to say that I’m satisfied. This should rest my weary mind for a time.

I can’t sleep without a fan on

I don’t use an alarm clock

I like cheese whiz on pancakes

Reaching into ovens makes me uncomfortable

I enjoy Lava Lamps considerably

I despise having to dancing

I wear $1.99 t-shirts

I pretty much wear the same dress shirt to every job interview

I don’t drive

I walk pretty slowly

The concept of “surgery” in general makes me sick

My handwriting is scrawled in a strange fashion and is terribly sloppy

I enjoy black ball-point pens

I’m writing a memoir

I sometimes sketch pointless drawings

I take photographs of random things

I have these secret aspirations of wanting to either become a Jesuit priest, a detective, or an artist

I like the colour green…any shade really…as it stands for life

The number 33 is an important number for me…it’s perfect

I have trouble telling time on clocks with hands

I never really liked military time

I can only remember the order of North, East, South , and West by using an acronym

I can only tie my shoes using the “two bunny ears” technique

I feel I’ve become very proficient in tying ties

I like the train…dislike the bus

I enjoy walking places…everyday ordinary places…especially at the end of the day

I like sunrises better than sunsets…but dislike mornings

I love starring at the stars

I think rain is one of the most powerful empirical experiences…as it leaves no sense unscathed… sight...sound…touch…smell…and taste

I read Popular Science

The vastness and mystery of space sometimes haunts me

The depth and emptiness of the ocean sometimes frightens me

The intricacies of the body’s design fascinates and astounds me

I believe in God

I have avoided my church ever since my Grandmother died

I wear a cross on my wrist

I struggle between doing what is “just” and what is right

Much of the news makes me sad, angry, or sick

I sometimes sit in total silence without really realizing it

I can become very lost in music

I enjoy sensory deprivation

I think denying oneself of things is divine

I don’t eat breakfast and sometimes forget lunch

I bike extensively

I really only like 3 card games

I enjoy chess

I enjoy philosophy…but recently lost some interest thanks to a few University courses

I can be consistently late for important things and remarkably on time for the seemingly trivial

I despise shaving and haircuts…but always feel better after both of them

I have slippers…but never use them

I have a guitar…but can’t play it

I had a car…but no license

I had some friends…but had to cut them loose

I sometimes have trouble remembering what year it is exactly

My memories from years ago seem somewhat phoney and dream like

My family is bigger than any other person’s I know

I always wanted to have a big family of my own

I always had an ideal concept of what my Love would be like

I sometimes wonder where she is and what course of events is to unite us

I sometimes wonder if anything is meant to come to fruition…and maybe that I was created to be ended for some higher cause

I constantly distract myself so not to meditate on thoughts of fate and destiny

I have irregular sleeping habits

I have trouble shutting my mind off at night

I need white noise to divert/lull me

I can’t sleep with out a fan on

I don’t use alarm clocks

Habitually,
BR80

"Ambient"

"Consider this: 92% of the world's population feel that their lives could be better --- what about you?

If you could do anything, anything at all, what would you do?

What are you doing now?

Imagine that you could live your life knowing that it could not be better and never feeling that you would rather be doing something else, be somewhere else, or be someone else.

Now consider this: some people actually live that way --- and so could you.

Contemplate this: What if 90% of the problems you encountered in your life were mere illusions and only existed in your mind?

In your everyday life whenever something annoys you, stresses you, makes you mad, or makes you sad, consider if that something really matters.

Will you even remember how you felt in one day, one week, one month, one year, or what about in ten years?

So when the people you work for pressure you, and fail to understand you, does it really matter? And when they call you on the phone, screaming and yelling, does it matter and should you really allow that to influence your life?

It's all about choices."

By: Barcode Brothers

The Ender

A lesson less than enlightening:

It’s called life reversed
As in opposite birth,
And this end is in motion
At all pace but a crawl

As gnashing and gritting
Is death unrelenting
And daft and distracting
Are thoughts void of this

BR80

The Mind At Odds

Hapless burdens rest on the shoulders of every person…and as a result, aspirations are often withheld…duties go unfulfilled; as duty itself is a burden, and one cannot carry such a load while harboring other encumbrances. Why are we constructed in such a way that the uniqueness of our strengths is only surpassed by the uniqueness of our weaknesses? Is it nature that grants some the freedom from one burden to another? I know for certain that mens' and womens' weaknesses and strengths differ…but who has it worse? There has to be a disparity…and naturally, the degree of that disparity is determined by society. One of the greatest strengths I see in man is this incredible ability to destroy everything…and then to conjure up clever and new ways to demolish what remains. Perhaps women just haven’t been given the chance to mess up like men have. All I know is that my tendencies are sometimes disturbing and strikingly contradictory to my regular disposition…can I attribute this flux to nature…to being a man? Is there even such a thing as “nature”? Wouldn’t the existence of “nature” denote the presence of “destiny”? Do I believe in destiny? I look at this world and its history and I hate what some men are and what some became…and I hate the notion that this same monstrosity could mount itself within me.

“The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong…” – Paul (Romans 7:14-16 NLT)

How many voices reside within our minds? Why do we enact the wishes of some voices and not of others? And I know…the presence of a multitude of voices doesn't typically constitute as a sane notion, per se…but I propose that we all have voices, and perhaps that we’re all insane…because we’re all capable of the same things…as scary and as frustrating as that is. We’d like to think that we’re so different from each other…that the murderer, the cheater, the thief, and the liar all suffer from some mental defect that caused them to “malfunction”…to disgrace and sully the good name of mankind. I think the anomaly is just how well behaved we all seem to be…and how well we as humans fight those urges and tendencies that make us monsters most of the time. We seem to constantly do the things we hate…we are contradictory creatures…not by choice, but by nature…by being slaves to a particular human condition…one that lets us think one thing and then do another...that lets us completely neglect our duty to do what's right. I just wonder how much of this I can afford to deal with in myself before I simply stop doing anything; as there appears to be only one guaranteed remedy for a contradiction between mind and action – utter apathy.

On the brink,
BR80

Salvation’s Nature

No grace for good within,
No saving without loss,
No mercy without sin
Or without albatross

A man one portion good,
Good works will make a saint

A man in fraction evil,
Infraction makes but taint

So better is a villain
By an act of charity
Than a hero with a fault
And a glint of iniquity

BR80

A Message Among Chaos

You know what you never hear of these days? A message in a bottle. Now, I’m a youngling myself…so don’t get me wrong…we didn’t do such things “back in my day”. Yet, the romantic in me sees the message in a bottle as holding more than an author’s message…but rather, an author’s anticipation, hope, and yearning for fate to take hold of their words. And what on Earth is more volatile and chance-filled than the sea? I mean, what chance does your message have in reaching another shore…let alone, another person? I’m sure some whiz mathematician somewhere has calculated the probabilities – but that doesn’t interest me. To me, it’s not about possibilities…potential and chance don’t even cut it. I’m all about chaos...the fact that some things are incalculable – like love.

And to me, chaos doesn’t mean: "void of purpose"…it means the purpose is buried under a pile of seemingly pointless – sometimes hapless – events…events that cannot be understood let alone calculated. I believe in a sort of objective driven chaos…a chaos trying to reach some end. The seemingly minor and random things people do everyday affect countless others in countless ways…which, in my humble opinion…results in fate. And I know, it’s kind of a copout…what you do or don’t do is what was supposed to or not supposed to have happened…and that's fate. The whole thing is a paradox. And perhaps that’s where the connection to chaos lies…because in chaos, everything and nothing are connected. Anyway, I think I’ll send a bottle out to sea the next chance I get…after all, it’s just an old school form of bloggin’ with the added twist of fate.

S.O.S. to the World,
BR80

Unknown Ardour

Gouged and grave
Grated by gravity
Less just is justice
With her unknown to me

BR80

"Be There"

"As I look into your eyes
I pay no mind
I found the way
To get inside you
I'd give you peace of mind

Am I see you falling?
Am I see you falling?
I might see you falling beautiful
The same

I don't see you falling,
I don't see you falling,
I don't see you falling beautiful
Sometimes"

By: UNKLE

Zowie Dealy

(z•ow•ee d•eel•ee) noun. the means by which something is noted as, or deserving of, enthusiastic reaction.

Example: After having drawn a banana from his pocket in the likeness of a gun, Gertrude pretends to shoot at Benson..."Zowie dealy!", Beulah blurts boomingly.

BR80's New English Dictionary for World Citizens - 1st Edition

The Innocence Mission

Typically, I'm not one to advertise bands...yet, I think when you stumble upon a particular sound of music that's truly remarkable…you have no choice but to share it. With The Innocence Mission, I suppose it could be the music itself that attracted me...however, in the end, it's truly the voice of Karen Peris that fills me with admiration. True to the name, she sounds incredibly innocent...and possibly sweet, yet haunting, in way. I don't even hear her words when she sings...just a melodic flow of tones that rise and fall in a lulling, pacifying, rhythm. As a band, It’s clear where their strengths come from...as it’s been said by them many times before...they feel music is a blessing from God...and I don’t doubt that for a second. In particular, "Lakes Of Canada", "Tomorrow On The Runway", and "Where Does The Time Go?", appear to have been touched.

Ear to the ground,
BR80

A New-fangled Sensation

I put some shredded tealeaves on my tongue…and it’s not as awful as one might suppose. I mean, I always figured it to be far more displeasing...but I guess things are never as bad as you think. 20 years of my life, and I never truly tasted tealeaves until tonight...and to think...I was living my life day to day with this gross misconception of shredded tealeaves. These can be the most enlightening and frustrating moments of life…enlightening because you have this revelation...and frustrating, because it’s a revelation so utterly simple, that it was under your nose the entire time. Or...it was just some tealeaves on my tongue.

Empirically,
BR80

Empathy

The nefarious onus,
The most arduous for us,
So entirely snared
That by any sign of its need
We unquestionably care

BR80

H5N1

I thought about the H5 strain the other day...and how its potential for destruction rivals the Spanish Influenza of 1918. And at the same time, I couldn’t help but think (selfishly) what this could mean for my future…for any of our futures…which are so painstakingly planned. How does high school prepare you for a pandemic? I don’t remember taking a course on career development in a post-apocalyptic society. Imagine…investing so much time and effort into achieving a goal through the rigors of society, only to see society collapse beneath you…we plan for the future, expecting that the future holds nothing but success and progress for humanity.

At this point my thoughts aren’t even on the H5 strain itself, but rather on the state of humanity as a whole. And yet, if society destroys itself, it won’t change my purpose…there’s always potential for purpose…because there will always be injustice…and there will always exist a place for those that wish to fight it. I’ve had to face it…we live in a world run by economics. You’ll see a father kill his entire family for some petty insurance money…or a kid throw his life away – rob a bank, ransack a house – for a little cash. And for what? To buy a nice TV or a better car…I mean, when you really think about it, people kill people…hurt people…for needless stuff! It’s insane. But what can you expect from people, when this is all they see from the societies that govern them?

My parents once told me that if a madman planted a bomb in a crowded mall and called in the threat, the mall authorities wouldn’t evacuate the crowds until they could be certain that a bomb was indeed in the mall…the reason? Purely economic. “What if it were a crank call, and we cleared out all of these paying customers from the mall? We’d lose hundreds of thousands of dollars!” Sounds crazy, right? But unfortunately it’s true. Unfortunately, some people die simply because a big-shot didn’t want to lose a buck. It shouldn’t be surprising…this type of logic exists in every facet of society…from wars, to disease, to disasters. H5 is no different, and the threat is imminent…the virus is one mutation away from becoming a full-fledged airborne virus, one capable of transfer from birds to humans to other humans. Vaccines can be created…precautions can be taken…but nothing is truly being done…the reason? Don’t want the malls to clear out too fast…might lose some profit. Purely economic. It kills me.

Sick,
BR80

BR80's Life: The Sequel

A little while back I composed a concept of what life would sound like if it were a movie, and since life is an ever changing sequence of events...and since sequels are all the craze these days...why not reiterate the events of life through music once more?

Click HERE to download the entire soundtrack as one big self-extracting "ZIP" file.

01 - Main theme "Blood On The Motorway" - DJ Shadow

02 - Opening credits "A Break In The Clouds" - James Holden (Ambient Version)

03 - Ordinary morning "Kites Are Fun" - Mellow (Free Design Remix)

04 - Honest day's work "Bittersweet Symphony" - The Verve (UNKLE Remix)

05 - Last day together "Look For Me As You Go By" - The Innocence Mission

06 - Love lost "Flames" - Vast

07 - Fallen "Sing For Absolution" - Muse

08 - The Journey begun "Midnight In A Perfect World" - DJ Shadow

09 - Mysterious stranger's advice "And Still It Sits" - Mice Parade

10 - "Good times" montage "Time After Time" - Cyndi Lauper (DJ Z-Trip Mix)

11 - Lurking danger "Zoo York" - Paul Oakenfold

12 - A New foe "Empire Strikes Back" - John Williams (DJ Z-Trip Mix)

13 - Trippin' out "Exploration" - The Karminsky Experience Inc.

14 - Missing her "What Are You To Me?" - UNKLE

15 - Hitting rock bottom "Dust In The Wind" - Kansas (DJ Z-Trip Mix)

16 - A Heart to heart "Brothers On A Hotel Bed" - Death Cab For Cutie

17 - Unfinished business "In A State" - UNKLE

18 - The Journey home "Red Dust" - Zero 7

19 - Searching for answers "Lost In Thought" - Jon Hopkins

20 - Betrayal "Angel" - Massive Attack

21 - Rooftop chase "Fire Starter" - Prodigy

22 - Final showdown "Building Steam With A Grain Of Salt" - DJ Shadow

23 - Redemption "Soul Meets Body" - Death Cab For Cutie

24 - Closing credits "Ordinary World" - Duran Duran

Orchestrated,
BR80