I'm not trying to be angsty. I'm only writing this because I have too many thoughts and they're starting to overwhelm me. I pray to God often, asking for forgiveness, patience, wisdom, and peace. I struggle so much with just being able to let things go. I plague myself with all sorts of memories and "what-could-have-been" scenarios. I've had many new experiences in the last two years, many more then I've ever had throughout my entire life. Most have been eye opening, and many, somewhat disappointing. I always have such great expectations, and such hope in others. I pray a lot, I ask for peace...but in asking for peace I only drown my mind in a compulsive prayer, a repetitive ritual that slowly loses its coherence...and that's not peace...that's torture.
I experienced some closeness the other night. It was a physical closeness. Something I haven't felt in a long time. It was simple; it was just the touch of another person. I've been lonesome. I never compromise my principles...they're who I am. That's what made the other night so important to me, I didn't have to compromise, because I wasn't desperate for attention or affection, I wasn't searching for another person to feel close to...it just happened, and it felt really real. Yet at the time, even in my state of peace, I understood how fleeting that moment of closeness would be. It was an incredibly bittersweet night. It's amazing what alcohol does to the mind. Not my mind, but the minds of others. I recall the night with perfect clarity, and it's the clarity of these memories that plague me...they're gonna be in my head for a while. It breaks my heart to know that I'm the only one that has these memories. Even the person I felt close to has no recollection. So what's that mean?
I think it means the other night was just as real as any of my dreams, and just as short-lived. A dream is something one can only experience for themselves, and no other person can share. I had an experience the other night that I can't share with anyone, not even the girl I held. I'm the only one with a memory of that evening, and without the ability to share that experience, it mine as well had not even happened. I suppose this is what's been on my mind, and now it's on a blog. I'm not pathetic, I'm just hopeful. Hopeful that someday soon I'll find a closeness that's anything but fleeting. A relationship that reminds me how real and tactile affection is. But, is that love? I dunno.
Afflicted,
BR80
3 comments:
This entry was sad.
If you are with someone who is so drunk that they can't remember it, then there is nothing real about it. That's not closeness, that's not intimacy. On your part perhaps, if you were not as drunk as she. But if she can't remember it, then it's not a mutual thing. Real closeness cannot be the result of a substance that alters people's perceptions and releases their inhibitions. It's not who they really are.
Keep being true to who you really are and don't let any person take advantage of that, whether they intend to or not.
Still liking your entries,
Tricia
I appreciate your insights, they really make a lot of sense. I have my moments of weakness, and a second opinion helps. But I wish it were simpler, unfortunately, it’s a matter so much deeper than drunkenness.
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