Transformer

Tonight I realized that I had never listened to her speak in such depth before. She told me everything. And maybe I’m completely selfish...but I secretly hoped that I might’ve been the source of all that happiness and anticipation in her voice. I sat and pondered; and in the midst of our conversation a moment was taken to reflect upon the years in which I had known her…I mused…it was amazing how familiar her face had become within that time…amazing how memorable her words and mannerisms seemed now. I had never figured her out…I only knew her the best I could…and now even that familiarity seems stricken from me. She’s grown into someone new and I see that now, and I’m more proud of her than I’ve ever been. She’s beautiful and intelligent, and most of all, convicted in her principles. She’s always becoming someone different…someone better...and that's why she’s the girl I can never truly know.

Best wishes,
BR80

Riddlespeak

What is yesterday tomorrow and was tomorrow yesterday? It’s today. Today is just yesterday tomorrow…today is just tomorrow yesterday. Lately I’ve been trying to think of how I can overcomplicate the simple things in life. For example, instead of simply saying “I love you”, I’ll say, “I only lie to those I love, and frankly, I hate you”, which of course would be a lie, and thus, I love them dearly. It’s my attempt to bring some sort balance to my life. Insane? Yes. But come on people, I’m tired and cloudy.

Must…sleep…
BR80

"Half Life"

Half life wastes before it goes
It's funny how your bee sting touch never leaves me whole
It's not enough to stay here almost trying
You keep your last laugh watch this dying
It's just your half time vertigo
And if you want an answer...I don't know

If you had completed me
Don't think I'd be pleased with you
Don't think I'd compete with you
With half of me to take

Half life nothing I'd call home
It's lucky how these phantom limb bee stings never show
It's not enough to leave this falling kindly
You burn my star down twice as brightly
It's just your half light undertow
But if you need forgiveness...I don't know

If you had completed me
Don't think I'd be pleased with you
Don't think I'd compete with you
With half of me to take

Half light breaks with nothing wrong
Just a corner of my bed where you don't belong
It's kind of you to notice no-one's dying
You had your last laugh almost crying
It's just your half life long to know
And if you need a reason...so it goes

If you had completed me
Don't think I'd be pleased with you
Don't think I'd compete with you
With half of me to take

By: Sneaker Pimps

Skeleton Clown

The Sum of Our Parts

Maybe I’m unromantic in thinking this, but I never really thought love would be the answer to: “What’s going to make me happy in this life?” Aristophanes (an ancient Greek comedian/philosopher) figured that man and woman were once joined together as one spectacular being…so spectacular that the gods themselves felt threatened by these beings and decided to split them in two…two fragments, two genders…man and woman…which is why we seek our other half, so that we may feel “whole” again…united as one being. Crazy, hey? I thought so; since it doesn’t seem to reflect how I feel about the whole “love” thing. Yet, it seems to be what the entire planet wants to believe; and maybe I want to believe it too. But I can’t allow myself to think something so reckless. All be it, it would be a simple answer to everything if it were true.

"Love is simply the name for the desire and the pursuit of the whole." -Aristophanes, 450-385 BC

Imagine if all you had to do is fall in love with another person to feel whole. With that logic I should be the most wholly complete person on the planet! I fall in love and my brain falls out of my skull. I’ve got to love smarter. I’ve got to recite this religiously: the answers to my questions do not lie in any person, no matter how much I love them. It’s self-centered to think that my own romantic satisfaction grants me a greater understanding of this world around me and the people within it.

Wholly,
BR80

Lesson of the Day

I’ve discovered that the line between friendly and creepy is uncomfortably thin.

-BR80

Shock 'N' Burn

With no texture to voltage or fire the closest one gets to feeling either is by shock and burn. I find that strange; strange that there are some things in this world we are unable to feel without pain as the only result. Love: as equally painful as is equally intangible; unable to feel it in itself, we are left only with its effects...its many shocks and burns.

Ow,
BR80

My Mortality

I don't know if actually reading a tally on your expected years to live (avg. age 77) is depressing or impressive. I’d like to think it's neither…seeing how, in the end, all the numbers could be wrong…it might be over in 2005 for all I know. “Like a thief in the night”, right? Well, whatever this means…it makes me think.

BORN in 1985 A.D.,
1986 = 1yrs old, 1987 = 2, 1988 = 3, 1989 = 4, 1990 = 5, 1991 = 6, 1992 = 7, 1993 = 8, 1994 = 9, 1995 = 10, 1996 = 11, 1997 = 12, 1998 = 13, 1999 = 14, 2000 = 15, 2001= 16, 2002 = 17, 2003 = 18, 2004 = 19, 2005 = 20, 2006 = 21, 2007 = 22, 2008 = 23, 2009 = 24, 2010 = 25, 2011 = 26, 2012 = 27, 2013 = 28, 2014 = 29, 2015 = 30, 2016 = 31, 2017 = 32, 2018 = 33, 2019 = 34, 2020 = 35, 2021 = 36, 2022 = 37, 2023 = 38, 2024 = 39, 2025 = 40, 2026 = 41, 2027 = 42, 2028 = 43, 2029 = 44, 2030 = 45, 2031 = 46, 2032 = 47, 2033 = 48, 2034 = 49, 2035 = 50, 2036 = 51, 2037 = 52, 2038 = 53, 2039 = 54, 2040 = 55, 2041 = 56, 2042 = 57, 2043 = 58, 2044 = 59, 2045 = 60, 2046 = 61, 2047 = 62, 2048 = 63, 2049 = 64, 2050 = 65, 2051 = 66, 2052 = 67, 2053 = 68, 2054 = 69, 2055 = 70, 2056 = 71, 2057 = 72, 2058 = 73, 2059 = 74, 2060 = 75, 2061 = 76,
DEAD by 2062 A.D. = 77

R.I.P.,
BR80 (1985 - 2062)

"The Way I Feel Inside"

Should I try to hide
the way I feel inside?
My heart...for you?
Would you say that you
would try to love me too?
In your mind
could you ever be
really close to me?
I can tell the way you smile.
If I feel that I
could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight.

But 'til I can see
that you'd really care for me
I will dream
that someday you'll be
really close to me.
I can tell the way you smile.
If I feel that I
could be certain then
I would say the things I want to say tonight.

But 'til I can see
that you'd really care for me
I'll keep trying to hide the way I feel inside.

By: The Zombies

Twilight Vigil

I should be sleeping right now…but I can’t. It’s not especially late or anything, I just need to try and rest since I have to get up so early tomorrow. I think there must be three kinds of insomnia…insomnia of the heart (when you’re in love), the mind (when you’re thought filled), and the body (when you’re just not tired). I’m guessing tonight is all about insomnia of the mind. I want to sleep…but why sleep when I could do something utterly unproductive, like document my thoughts and classifications of insomnia? I guess there could be a fourth class…not wanting to sleep just because you don’t want to…insomnia of the will. Of course, somniphobia and hypnophobia, the fear of sleep, cannot be ruled out of this matter. And speaking of irrational fears…you know what’s nuts? Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear long words…now isn’t that just plain cruel? If a person has a fear of long words how could a psychologist possibly tell them they have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia without completely freaking them out of their mind? What a terrible name for such a disorder. That’d be like referring to arachnophobia as “thairza-masiv-spydur-on-yurface-O-phobia”. Just doesn’t make sense. I really should be sleeping right now.

Now I lay me down to sleep...
BR80

Thanks a Million Chuck!

Wow, comments much obliged Charles! I really appreciate your thoughts. You're a good friend. So I had to give you an honorary "shout-out", as the kids say. Saaaay now, wait just a minute...is “shout-out” supposed to be hyphenated like that? Ohhhh, what the hay...fun is fun!

Domo arigato,
BR80

BR80's Life: The Soundtrack

Click HERE to download the entire soundtrack as one big self-extracting "ZIP" file.

01 - Main theme "The Crow" - DJ Food

02 - Opening credits "Look Up" - Zero 7

03 - Waking up "This is the Day" - The The

04 - Average day "No Rain" - Blind Melon

05 - Secret love "Lady Of Dreams" - Vast

06 - First date "Big Me" - Foo Fighters

07 - Romantic scene "Sleepwalking" - Modest Mouse

08 - Falling in love "The Moon is Down" - Explosions in the Sky

09 - Training Montage "Butterflies and Hurricanes" - Muse

10 - Fight scene "Sabotage" - Beastie Boys

11 - Breaking up "Nothingman" - Pearl Jam

12 - Getting back together "Float On" - Modest Mouse

13 - Life's okay "The Way We Get By" - Spoon

14 - Mental breakdown "Frontier Psychiatrist" - The Avalanches

15 - Driving "Tunnel" - The Dining Rooms

16 - Learning a lesson "Rebellion (Lies)" - The Arcade Fire

17 - Deep thought "Who Am I" - Peter Kruder

18 - Flashback "Cutup" - Fridge

19 - Partying "Ninja Rap" - Vanilla Ice

20 - Happy dance "Peaches" - The Presidents Of The United States Of America

21 - Regretting "Me and a Gun" - Tori Amos (Xerxes Remix)

22 - Long night alone "Six Days At The Bottom Of The Ocean" - Explosions in the Sky

23 - Death scene "Don't Fear The Reaper" - Gus

24 - Closing credits "God Gave Rock and Roll to You" - KISS

Composed by:
BR80

Matters of Life and Death

Some think if a murderer kills...they themselves deserve to die. Some feel if one loses the capacity to think, to breathe, to beat their own heart, they should die. Many feel if a pregnancy occurs, a legitimate course of action is one of ceasing the formation of life. Some think if a thief steals they deserve to die. Some feel if one is mentally handicapped, unable to reason, to understand, they should die. Some might agree...if a genetic defect, such as having only nine fingers, is found in an unborn child...it's formation of life should be ended...it should die. To me, what’s most frightening about these ethical issues and practices is not the practices themselves, but the question of who makes the final decision on who is to be worthy of life. I don’t care if you're pro-choice or all for euthanasia, you still have to admit…it could all go completely the other way…I mean, maybe someday it’ll be O.K. to kill someone with a mental disorder, which…as disturbing as it may seem…seems to be the path we’re heading down (and the path we've already gone)…because it all depends on who’s in charge, on who sets the criteria.

"I am prepared to die, but there is no cause for which I am prepared to kill."

- Mahatma Gandhi

So all of you “pro-everything” people be conscious of the fact that whatever issue your fighting for today could be taken to the extreme tomorrow. And I imagine in the future the reasons they’ll think of and the criteria they’ll devise are endless in terms of who deserves to live and who deserves to die…yet I'll never see them as reasons, but only as excuses. Killing and the cessation of developing life are inexcusable by my books. And perhaps those that agree with me will never be heard for what the underlying truth is…that being: humanity is in no position to determine who deserves the right of life...not now, not ever.

Alive and well,
BR80

On Honesty:

I suppose those that feel I dispute their every word are those that continually lie to me. Is it any wonder that a lack of trust is the result when lies are all you hear?

Toil & Trouble

I think The Blair Witch Project was a film that the majority of the public completely wrote off thanks in part to over the top hype and zany spoofs…I don’t think people actually gave it a chance. When I experienced it I had no expectations and zero preconceptions…I went into that movie believing it was real…which added an entirely unnerving element to the whole thing.

"In October of 1994, three student film makers disappeared in the woods near Burkittesville, Maryland while shooting a documentary…One year later, their footage was found."

-The Blair Witch Project, Plot Outline

I saw it for the first time in theaters, and at the time, I didn’t know there was a director, and a script, and that the three people losing their minds were actors. As far as I knew, I was watching a frighteningly real documentation of three real people lost in the woods, about to die in the night by means of unknown forces. This movie had what makes for a great camp fire story…that being, the scariest part about any ghost story altogether: wondering whether or not it actually happened…wondering if it could ever happen. The Blair Witch Project scared me something fierce, and I just wish more people could have shared that experience prior to all of that hype hootenanny.

Frightfully,
BR80

Devoid of Explanation

So is dirt eternal, or what? I mean, where did all of this dirt come from…dirt attributed to that “Big Bang”, attributed to the creation of our world, to the creation of all humanity? And just how did we arrive at this place in time? By a total and utterly unbelievable amount of luck? I believe in an everlasting God. Where did God come from? I’m more interested in where all that dirt came from. I have a problem with science…and not just because it’s an establishment bent on dismembering my every principle…but because it’s an establishment unrelentingly unable to admit to the fact that something’s cannot be known…and as crazy as it may sound…we are extremely limited as to what we can empirically discover about ourselves and this universe; extremely limited all thanks to our five senses…thusly, we cannot know everything. Modern science is truly arrogant; lacking in the ability to admit just how indefinite scientific theory is.

Unscientifically,
BR80

Nothingman

Well, nothing much to say these days. It’s kind of a nice break to not have to think about anything. Although, my lack of cognition has produced some odd side effects, like restlessness…which means I need to find some serious occupational preoccupation…posthaste. Yup. Soooooo…the weather’s been pretty good as of late. Yeah, gotta love weather. I have to say, I definitely missed that sun…I mean the moon’s O.K. too, but it gets its own glory every autumn with that harvest moon and all…so I think it’s only fair that we acknowledge the sun during these summer months. Hmmm, yes, that'll do…probably the best thoughts I can muster for the time being.

Fried out of my brain,
BR80

ThumpThump

"You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body."
-C. S. Lewis

You know, if you sit still and rest quietly enough you not only hear your own heartbeat, you feel it too. It’s strange. Yet, if you really think about it, you should know the feeling your own heartbeat; your heart, after all, rests deep within the core of your torso. You’d feel anything else that deep, yet most of the time, you manage to somehow overlook your hearts’ sensations…with all of its beats going unnoticed, and to some degree, unappreciated. I mean, you never think twice about your heart’s subtle work, that is, until you experience something that causes your blood to race, and suddenly, its beats are all you can hear, its pulse all you can feel, and its ever active presence is unveiled. The times in which your heart pounds its hardest are the times in which you know its purpose the most; like when you’re near the one you love or fearing for your life (if there’s even a difference between the two). Whatever the case may be...for a brief instant, you know the feeling of your own heartbeat, and possibly, what it means to be a living being.

Palpitating,
BR80

Futile Entry

So I was just lying on the floor and my head was resting awkwardly on my arm...it was pretty uncomfortable...and I felt this tension in my neck, but I just kept lying there. So I thought, “Why don’t I just move?”. But I couldn’t. I don’t know why exactly. I liken it to that really comfortable feeling you have just before you drift off to sleep, when you don’t want to move for anything, but realize you have to when you get an itch on your foot. Only, in this case, I was really uncomfortable, yet didn’t want to move, but had to in order to write this blog entry. Which makes me wonder why I even wrote this to begin with. I think my brain’s itchy.

Idly,
BR80

"Heart Cooks Brain"

Oops. I should stop being so hasty with my affection. Even though I've found someone I feel I really connect with, I'll always have that rift of inexperience. It's too bad. I mean, you finally meet a girl you really like...something that's pure and unadulterated, like this untapped sensation you haven't felt since primary school...and you get ransacked with the reality that everybody's grown up around you. I have to face it, I'm very green. Some people are just really mature for their age, by which I mean, when it comes to having loads of past relationships...both weak and strong. I guess I never wanted something weak. I guess that's my problem. But I've always taken satisfaction in knowing that she's out there somewhere, and that she's been living her whole life just as I have: wondering where that one love is. Ya know? You know.

Zealously,
BR80